What was happening to me? I was totally not in a position to understand what my hormones were aiming for? There were mixed feelings and emotions within me. Anxiety can be good as long as it knows its limits. But what happens when there is fear mixed with anxiety, I have gone through ten days of anxiety (I can only summarise that the fear of being alone gripped me so much that I didn’t want to be away from Maddy even for a minute).
Was I supposed to be happy that I was getting this opportunity or was I sad that I would be away from this closely knit immediate family. But somewhere there was happiness that this life time opportunity had come to me, something that I could never even have dreamt about. Solitude can weigh heavily on our minds and brain and if one goes weak, it can prove to be very difficult.
The D Day arrived. Had to pack bags for the deputation to the romantic city of Italy. I had heard that Milan was a beautiful and place where couples could just chill out and be their self. But I was travelling alone, completely by myself. My little devil helped me pack my bags. Had it been with family, my excitement would have been uncontrollable, I knew that well.
30 kgs was that I could carry and I knew that my luggage would not exceed so much. Amma and Appa were there the previous night with me just telling me as to how I needed to manage there. Everyone was there to see me off. There was excitement in me, a little bit of anxiety. I was going to discover a new place, something I had never ever done in my life. Was going to go to a place without Maddy (that was something totally unthought of). I believe the Universe grants us things and situations in life, exactly in the manner in which the order has been placed. I was unsure as to whether I had asked for this? My thoughts run haywire and I was convinced that Yes, I would have asked for some quiet place and minutes of solitude (especially on those days when I used to get dead tired) on returning from office. And yes the Universe answers all our questions and prayers. It answered mine too.
I enter the T2 airport with 3 bags and my lappy. Maddy is waiting outside. I turn behind and suddenly this thought (Why the hell am I travelling alone).I caught his expressions – he was feeling bad to let me go alone and that too to a foreign country. I get goosebumps even now when I try to rewind that situation. However, I would want to erase this situation from my life as staying away from family is not something that excites me and has never excited me.Tears rolled down my cheeks and I am unable to see clearly. I wiped my tears as Maddy always used to say that smile, it makes you look better and beautiful. If you cry, I am going to know and I did not want his heart to know that I was crying and not very excited about travelling alone. Work was on my mind and I enjoyed and loved my job, so the burden was definitely less.
More to come!!!!
Remain blessed always
Rekha
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